Friday, May 25, 2012

Happy anniversary 25 May 2008 to 25 May 2012

Happy anniversary to 25 May 2012 when we were still happy then. When the smiles were genuine, the laughter was loud, the marriage was a bliss, everything seemed wonderful, seemed like I found the perfect one, when we were still happy then. No one is Perfect if u are a human on earth. Now we are happy too. Happily apart. Seriously if it was her, I would feel relieved to lay down the suspicions I had for the longest time. However I'm in no mood to carry my suspicions further. Cos I have better things to do. More things to focus on like work. I still hate you for telling my best friend tat someone is madly in love wz u and she was very upset during our wedding dinner. We are both adults and the least u can respect me, is tat. And behave like an adult when u talk to me. Childish ways have gone. It doesn't matter. Cos at the end of the day we all die and leave the earth, leave the good, bad and everything behind and return to dust. Happy anniversary to u, 4 yrs ago. I' not ashamed of who I am. Because I am wat I am and I am ah ber. Wat do t kill me only makes me stronger. Sometimes I wish I can be bad. I can do all bad things and hurtful things and the worst things in earth. But I am ah ber and this is me. Accept me or not. It's ok. At the end of the day, I am still me.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Emotional baggage

It's been so long since I visited here. 2 yrs to be exact.

I realized I am still carrying my emotional baggage with me. It all started 2 yrs ago. When it started to spiral downhill again. The union tat I tot was the perfect one, the one I tot would be the last, did not last. Till date I still have the same question on my mind - was it me? I am still wondering wats wrong wz me.

It was ok to lose him. But I think I cannot get over losing friends. Like losing her. My best friend since I was 13. I lost her not because I death. But because of small trival issues.

In my 32 yrs of life, the ple tat had came into my life and made an impact there, were the ones I called friends, and they are the hardest people in my life to get rid of within me. Because I felt most relaxed, most myself, most carefree, most enjoyable, happiest moments wz these ple I called friends.

Wine is best when it get older. Ple compare friendship like tat. I'm sorry if along the way I made things bad or turned things sour or caused u to hate me. But pls believe me when I say tat I was true before. And I had been true. I'm sorry if I didn't let u know me enough to trust me.

In life we all have our ups and downs. Our regrets our pains our happiness. Tat makes life

I jus wan u to know its still an emotional baggage tat I'm holding on to. A baggage full of friendships tat couldn't weather the storms. Tat didn't have the permission to sail again.

I have been pricked by thorns. And there's a thorn inside of me which represents u. If u would give me a chance I'll show u how to pluck the rose without getting pricked by the thorn. If only u would.

Hello 2012

Hello 2012

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Yes I am still holding on. But not in the way that I love him. Its jus making me disgusted because he's been lying to me for YEARS. I'm jus holding on to the fact that he lied and he made himself look like the victim. But he wasn't. I was!

He broke the vows we shared, he broke the promises he made, he broke the bond between us, he broke up the family - my family, he broke up my life, he broke up my friends, he made me do things I wished I didnt. Yet I did because of him, because I tot he meant well for me, because I tot he really loved anc cared.

And all along I pitied him. I tot I was an evil person to do tat to him twice. I was the monster who made him unable to face the world, face his friends, face his family and face everyone. I was the unforgiving bitch who couldn't let things rest. I was the bitch who caught him 3 times and yet forgave him. I fucking forgave him to let him hurt me time after time again. How much tears that fell from my eyes for these fucking few years. All so that he could fuck another woman behind my back.

So bambo bitch - open your glued eyes and take a look at this bastard you admired for being conservative and respectful towards you. U didnt know behind ur back and in front of me how he fucked u up with words. He said you were a psycho. And yes you are still a psycho. And now look at your admirable conservative matured man who fucked up. So its time u take something and shove it up ur cunt cos u jus need to shut up on your fucked up psycho views.

I am affected cos I have been lied to for years. Smoke screened me. Made me into believing I was a monster at heart and I was evil and I had to repent. No wonder when I left you didnt ask me back, Cos you had more freedom to fuck her. Then u turned the tables on me saying I fucked with my good friend's uncle and one of rina's friends. FUCK YOU CCB.

People who behaved the most decently usually arent so decent at all. Stop putting on your tufong and behave like a saint. Even with the tudong on you still fuck other people's husbands. I remembered everything. I still remember. I will never forget because it was hell that I went thru. The darkest period in my life. You made me cut off my best friend and then when I had another best friend you tried to cut her off as well. Might as well cage me right.

I tot I had forgiven you and moved on. But I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU. And yes I have moved on but i never felt so cheated in my life.....

And I am glad I am with someone better now who treats me and respect me like I am. Unlike you bastard who thinks what? I am a stupid bird brain pea brained bimbo issit?

My life is back on track and i have a happy family now. Unlike you who need to hide and run away from people.....

Monday, March 1, 2010


Photos - They capture every moment in life.
These images sharp as a knife.
They keep everything still.
So that everyone has time to feel.

Photos - They retain the best memory
Even when our hair turn silvery.
They bring out the best in you and me
The best that no one else can see.

Photos - When we turn and look back in time
Nothing you can buy even with a dime.
They set right into our heart
The only place where the memories dun fall apart

Photos - They tell the lines where you aged
The hurt that you caged
The wounds that still hurt
The scars remain till the day we return to the dirt.

People? Friends?

I didnt know Picasa acts as the storage server for Blogger's pics uploads. And oh god I saw pics of my own posts like YEARS back and I was quite taken aback at how I looked last time..... :)

Time flies by very fast. I have been on journeys that were full of pain, journeys that were mad with laughter and journeys that were filled with fun....

I treasure every important people in my life who had made things happen in one or another way in my life. God who created me and breathed life into me, my parents who "made" me, my mum who carried me inside her for the longest time ever, the relatives and family who carried me and took care of me and loved me, the good friends who taught me love, friendship, happiness, laughter, peace and so many things, of cos the bad friends who taught me the ways of life, the rules that can be bended and the promises that can be broken. Also to the people who made me teared, whether was it happy or sad tears that came down my face......

There were people who touched me right into the bottom of my heart. There were people whom I tot I would fall for. There were people I fell for, but didnt fall for me. There were people whom fell for me yet I didnt fall for them. There were people whom I was deeply in love with. There were people who loved me deeply. There were people whom were destined with me. There were people whose destiny was not mine and mine was not theirs to keep.

I live life by the day and appreciate it when the sun comes out with its warmth and when the warmth from friendship made it warmer. I yearn for attention from my friends and from the people I love and the people who love me.

I am glad to be surrounded by love from my friends and the people who love me and the people I love.

I used to ask God for so many things. "please let me have this, please let me have that" "i'll do anything to have that special one"....

But God didnt give me all that I asked for. God gave me MORE than I asked for. There are indeed better things in life other than the things I used to want or used to need. There are better people worth cherishing other than the ones who were full of thorns. I finally understand why God had better plans.

I look back. If I continued wat I was doing due to comfort, due to the familiar feeling, due to the same ways, due to companionship, due to HOPE, due to love..... I wouldn't be wat I am now.

I admit that I have grown.... thru trials in life and thru falls and disappointment and failure and shame and everything...... I might not had gone thru the WORST trial in my life yet, but I know there are cushions ard me who will cushion me when I fall. These cushions are my very important group of friends who will not hesitate to catch me and break my fall.

And I would gladly do the same to them.

I used to have lots of friends too. I used to take them for granted. I used to make use of them. I used to hurt them. And I am sorry.

Because I could have more than wat I had now.

And thru my previous actions and experiences I do treasure every single one of my friends ard me now. The not so close ones are my road where I walk with them. The closer ones are my light where they light the road together with me. The closest ones are my life because they light up my life........

And I love every single one of you. Maybe in different ways, maybe in far away, long distances I cannot reach you but I wan you to know that you are forever in my heart. It is true that once the beautiful memories are settled into the heart, the heart can never forget.

"I keep thinking of you so that I will never forget"

I dun expect that every friend return the favour and love me in return. But I am grateful if they do appreciate me and enjoy my company. And I would say "Cheers to all of my friends". :)

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

(Adapted from Facebook)

Its a road I had taken. That painful journey. Every second of that memory kills thousands and millions of cells in me. My skin crawls while my heart aches.

I tell myself to let it go. But either my heart or my brain stubbornly refuses to do so. I used to think, wat in the hell was wrong with me. Now I finally realised there is nothing wrong. Love has no rite or wrong. If the other party does not love me, nothing wrong, cos they dun need to love me. And they have the rite to reject. However if there is no rejection or acceptance, then wat am I? Someone who blindly waits?

On 1 hand, let it go. On the other hand, cannot bear to let go. Wat if I lose this special one forever? Will I ever learn to love again? Will I ever know love again? Will I ever survive this?

It hurts till now. It never stopped hurting. It will never stop hurting the day we are all alive. Absence only makes the heart grows fonder???? Or daily interaction makes it hard to let it go?

I still hurt. But I look at it that the special one is happy. The special one's happiness and laughter and warmth and survival and everything else is more important than anything else. I can give up anything so that the special one can continue with everything.

"If it even hurt you to think of me, I would rather you forget me so that you do not have to hurt, even though it is killing me"

"I would give up my everything so that you can have everything"

"Your happiness is most important to me and it doesn't matter if I am hurting"

A blessing in disguise that we are in such a situation now? Or is it going to be eternal hurt?

No. There will always be someone else. Even if you are not the one to follow me till the end of the world and till the end of my time, you will always be part of me, part of my life, part of wat I used to be and will always be in me. I will keep this special memory inside me, the only place that no one can steal it from me. This part of you will always belong to me.

I look at your face
I sit in a daze
Not knowing where to go
Emotions run low

I dunno wat to do
I am scared too
I am in a maze
In an airless case

I turn my back. And walk away. But deep down how much I wanted to run back. And how much effort and strength and everything I use to stop myself from doing so. I know any word from you and I will lose all my perserverence. And I am holding on to myself from going mad. Nearing the verge of madness.

With you, or without you. the sun still shines, the world still turns and time still ticks and doesn't stop. But my mind can be frozen there for you and my heart can stop beating for you at that moment. If you just open up, I guess disaster will happen. The disaster will be exploding inside me. So have mercy on me. Just tell me, whether it is wat I wanted to hear.